When forced to buy an atrocious tan suit as a groomsman, keep it in your closet, you'll find a use for it.

Where dID i go wrong?

Growing up I loved the commercials on TV. Which in itself is preposterous considering my dad would instantly mute them. Every. Single. Time.

Many years and a marketing degree later, I still had to convince my parents to let me run away and join the Circus. Because like any good son, I had decided to dedicate myself to creating the things my dad hated most.

He says he still loves me though.

SOME things I know are right

I’m from Plymouth, MA and supposedly have direct ties to the Mayflower. (Unless Nana was lying and she wouldn’t do that to me). Also, you’re welcome for Thanksgiving.

My favorite book is Lonesome Dove. As such, the word ‘poke’ will always make me laugh.

At 6’4’’ I excel at getting things down from high places, but hide something on the bottom shelf, and it might as well cease to exist.

At one point in my life I could have perfectly written 97% of the Billy Madison script entirely from memory. Not ashamed.

My mom brought my friend and me to see Jurassic Park in the theatre when we were nine. I lasted ten minutes. He made it fifteen. I forced her to take us back a week later and still love velociraptors.

In my opinion, the smartest bit of advertising ever created was the phrase, ‘Rinse and repeat.’

I can legibly write incredibly small. Like 8 point font has nothing on me small.

I am almost done writing my first children’s book. It’s about not being afraid of the dark, and is in no way related to my story about Jurassic Park.

I believe with 100% certainty that not one human has ever made the shit they suggest on the back of a Triscuit box. Halved grapes? A sprinkle of chive? Get lost.